'I know I am a fool, trying to make connections out of scraps, but how else is there to proceed? The fragmentariness of life makes coherence suspect but to babble is a different kind of treachery. Perhaps it is a vanity. Am I vain enough to assume you will understand me? no. So I go on puzzling over new joints for words, hoping that this time, one piece will slide smooth against the next.
Walk with me. Hand in hand through the nightmare of narrative, the neat sentences secret-nailed over meaning. Meaning mewed up like an anchorite, its vision in broken pieces behind the wall. And if we pull away the panelling, then what? Without the surface, what hope of contact, of conversation? How will I come to read the rawness inside?
The story of my day, the story of my life, the story of how we met, of what happened before we met. And every story I begin to tell talks across a story I cannot tell. And if I were not telling this story to you but to someone else, would it be the same story?
Walk with me, hand in hand through the neon and styrofoam. Walk the razor blades and broken hearts. Walk the fortune and the fortune hunted. Walk the chop suey bars and the tract of stars.
I know I am a fool, hoping dirt and glory are both a kind of luminous paint; the humiliations and exaltations that light us up. I see like a bug, everything too large, the pressure of infinity hammering at my head. But how else to live. vertical that I am, pressed down and pressing up simultaneously? I cannot assume you will understand me. It is just as likely that as I invent what I want to say, you will invent what you want to hear. Some story we must have. Stray words on crumpled paper. A weak signal into the outer space of each other.
The probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. The lure of it is immense. we send starships. We fall in love.'

I've been doing some thinking lately. Yeah, its something I normally do, but this thinking I've been doing, has led me to some other thoughts, and these thoughts have turned into decisions.  One of these decisions is to temporarily discontinue my use of this lj acct.
I might pop on now and then to post anything T related, so that I can continue my transition/hormone journal, but any posting or keeping up to date on friends blogs will generally cease.
I am creating another journal during this time. I need a private space to let out certain thoughts that don't make sense enough to be posted here. This will be a very-private journal. If you wish to be connected to this space, let me know, but know that I may be selective of the people I add on this new account. I may not be comfortable with the content of this journal, or be comfortable with it being very public. If you request to friend this journal you must agree to the following:

-You will not give me any advice. this is the most important thing, other than confidentiality.
   Giving advice to someone tells them that they can't figure things out on their own. It can make someone feel inadequate.

-Please don't talk about any information, to anyone. no matter what I have to say.

-You will not judge me. You have the freedom to ask questions, but I have personal stuff to say. If it backfires on me because I let you see some very personal stuff, you are not my friend. I hope I don't make my decisions incorrectly.

-You will be sympathetic. Or empathetic if you have gone through something similar. You will be a supportive friend. because I need support right now.  If you don't friend this new journal, it doesnt mean you are cutting me out of your life, or that you don't want to be my friend. I am still on this LJ. Adding my new journal as a friend means that you are a friend, you want to be a support.


If you wish to follow me over, send me an email to the following address, and from there I can give you the new lj.  Any current events/updates will be posted over there, but, I can be reached by email, MSN and Yahoo, should we not be connected on the new lj account.

dyljeffin at yahoo dot ca

Does anyone in the Toronto area have an Intro to Psych book thats fairly new (within about 10 years)? I'm told that we can use any book thats not considerably old as the text if we can't afford the one she selected for the class (and its freakin expensive!!).
Drop me a line in any fashion and we can work out the details.
thanks

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness,
Sadness,
Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the
feelings
that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left. Love was the
only one who
stayed.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was
almost
sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand
boat.

Love said, " Richness, can you take me with you? " Richness answered, " No, I
can't. There
is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "
Vanity, please
help me! "

" I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity
answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, " Sadness, let me go with you."

" Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself ! " Said Sadness.

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear
when Love
called to her !

Suddenly, there was a voice, " Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder.
Love felt so
blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name. When they
arrived on
dry land, the elder went her own way. Love realizing how much he owed the elder
asked
Knowledge, another elder, " Who helped me?"

" It was Time," Knowledge answered.

" Time? " asked Love. " But why did Time help me? "

Knowledge smiled with deep Wisdom and answered, "Because only TIME is capable of
understanding how great LOVE is."

(posted in a yahoo group by "the veilwalker")

I am also not capable of doing 'everything' right.





I must learn to accept this.








thats all I have to say.

How does it feel out on the ice?
You speak to the crowd but nobody hears.
It's not a dream and you are no christ
And you're not alone, come in from the fear.

Gonna take it back, take back the life that you want to lead,
been under quiet attack, but now it's time for you and me.
If we're gonna take it back you've got to fight for what you believe.
Gonna make this stand the finest hour that we see.

When did our choice become erased?
Where is the violence in this crowd?
Now that our voice has been replaced
with a silence that screams out loud.

Gonna take it back, take back the life that I want to lead,
been under quiet attack, but now it's time for you and me.
If we're gonna take it back you've got to fight for what you believe.
Gonna make this stand the finest hour that we see.

(DD  2004)

you are not nice to me.  I can't believe we got hoodwinked with this service. And all the while we thought we were saving the world from the evil corporations.

and they are not the ones I'm looking for these days, though, there are some of 'those' happening as well.

These changes are with my friends. Maybe not everyone supports my decisions, but, I was not happy, and was feeling very stressed by a number of situations.

I've given up on so much lately, because I felt it was better that way. A number of friends have not been thoughtful and I've just let things be as they are. What would be the benefit if I said something. These people seemed pretty clear with their intentions, so who am I to judge that? 

But, I don't understand. I'm trying to, and I'm getting nothing. Except continued agitation. I feel abandoned, in more than one way, and I"m trying to be realistic about this. Trying to see the big picture, but failing miserably.  I feel let down. I closed my facebook acct because I felt that over half of the people on there just didn't care whether I was on their list or not. And you know something, its been quite a while, and no one as asked me anything about it. Is it possible that they don't know? But then, its been enough time,... maybe I'm assuming too much.

Some haven't been happy with how I've been dealing with other relationships. So much has happened in the past few months, and I needed space from a few different people. As a result, other friendships have changed, and I seem to be scrutinizingly judged. No one knows the full story, as I've not given it. Out of respect for the people involved.  Since when does my respect for others, translate into less respect I get myself? Something doesn't seem right.

So, with my choices to make my life healthier, and my choices to stay away from spaces that make me uncomfortable (i.e. everything related to trans right now), I am now, mostly, alone. Now thats a Harry Potter story for you.  *laughs* (had to fit that into one of my posts somehow)

just thought I'd let you know that I can't get onto any chat program right now on either computer. I have limited internet access at home through my connection for some reason, but my browser is working just fine. (on my desktop) Not sure how long this will be, but I hope its just another temporary glitch.

and I've reached my 50 day mark on T. and (though a bit late) I will be Finally posting on my journal my day to day effects of the T very soon. Day 50 was on tuesday the 31st.

My birthday party was incredible.
I doubt I would have changed much.
Its really nice to know who ones friends are.
More info to come, It is still my birthday, and it should really be 'not' my birthday before I start to reminisce about it. :P

Today was truly a beautiful day.  it started off rocky.. and it was rather problematic until I actually got to my appt, and then things got better from there.
I had over 15 people over all at my party and we had such a good time. It was long, and I got a little zoney because there is so much going on, but I had a wonderful time.
As I was washing the dishes afterwords, and while I've been sitting here at the computer I've been feeling a warm feeling all over, the feeling that I am loved. (it's not all the heat of the day..lol)
So many things happened, and so many things were talked about, and even a couple of ironing out spots.
Because of this holiday, I feel like I have gotten closer to quite a few of my friends. and it feels really good.
I might give more details at a future time, but its after 2 in the morning, and I've been up for quite a while. I need a well deserved sleep. And I know that the T, or maybe just the knowledge of the T, who knows, is affecting me.. making me feel different, and I need a little bit of me time.
Today has definately been a different day than any I have experienced before.

found someone who did this quiz..

You are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streak You're a famous beauty - with unique look And the people like you are cultish about it

and also found that some one on 'this' acct did as well.. lol



I've been intrigued by this book, and thought it was very cool that I could 'have my own' daemon..
:P